Christmas is upon us, sure as turkeys is turkeys. There is a cool breeze blowing across the islands, and lights are popping up hither and yon. Sponsored roundabouts appear to have an ongoing competition as to which can be the brightest and most spectacular, and there is a general feeling of goodwill in the air.

First I have to say that the Homecoming Concert held at Pageant Beach on December 2nd was a brilliant evening out! A group of us bought tickets to go along and hear live music courtesy of some of the best local musicians on the scene. The atmosphere was electric, the production was terrific and it was SO great to see legendary MOJ (Memory of Justice) jamming out their tunes after so many years. I remember singing with those guys from time to time when I was a teenager, recording stuff at their studio in a small, nondescript building off Eastern Avenue that housed some of the most advanced gear on the island at that time. I also have to give a big shout-out to Swanky Kitchen Band. Any of you familiar with the fabulous Mr. Radley and the Happy Boys will love this group and must track them down at their next gig. I’m convinced that the man on the violin is sponsored by Red Bull; he danced and played non-stop for their set. Maybe he should consider teaching Zumba classes in the daytime…

So after that injection of merriment to start off the weekend with a bang, I was all in the mood to get the Christmas adornments up at my house. The first thing I had to do was extricate the reindeer and gifts for the front lawn from the garden shed. I had bought the shed a couple of years ago from Cox Lumber – one of those large put-it-together-y’self babies that I could use for all my overflow items. Call me the most intelligent person you’ve ever known, but I saw fit to assemble it right under the tallest coconut tree in the garden. A summer of wind, rain and therefore coconut bombs had pummelled the roof of it, so when I opened the front door I found I had a homemade skylight courtesy of a young green coconut now sitting immobile on the floor. This also meant that the elements had penetrated the shed, and so the holly berries on the gifts were now a milky pink instead of a deep rich red, and the joints on the reindeer were looking a touch rusty. I decided that it didn’t matter – at night they would still look good with their lights shining in the darkness.

As I attempted to carry them all in one go to the front of the house, I got an antler in the eye; one of the legs unhinged and started dragging along the grass, and the biggest gift of the three was cruelly pinching my finger. I finally made it to my destination, and unceremoniously dumped my charges so I could catch my breath.

After a moment’s rest I was back to the task at hand. I set the two reindeer up next to each other, and as usual, the minute I had one standing up, the other would fall down. It reminded me of a night several years ago when I arrived home late and in the darkness, had tripped over one of two candy cane sentinels that I had set up the day before. At eight feet tall they easily had the upper hand, and as they were connected at the top by an archway, I found myself beating off one, only to have the other flying down to smack me in the noggin. This time I kept my cool. I calmly got the metal stakes and hammered them into the ground over each hoof to ensure that the reindeer didn’t get any ideas. The gifts were then arranged under the small palm by the porch, I gathered all the plugs together, and finally rammed them with gusto into the waiting extension cord.

The big gift didn’t light up, the reindeer buck’s head didn’t move as it was supposed to, the doe’s head kept jamming at about 20 degrees so she looked like she was going through endless double-takes, and half the lights in her body remained unlit.

I could feel the familiar feeling of uncheer rising within me, but determined to not let it overtake I decided to tackle the issues one at a time: to the large gift first. As I tried to wrestle one single bulb free out of about 25 that could have been the culprit, the ungrounded butter knife I was using gave me a nice shock as it hit some contacts. Perhaps I would leave that until later. I turned my attention to the icicle lights. I had gone all expensive this year and chosen LED cool white for the porch roof. Out came the ladder, and for the next hour I installed hooks under the roof tiles so hanging the lights would be a snap. Our multiple cats danced around on the lawn, eager to try out their claws on the reindeer as I squinted in the sun, attaching one strand to the next until I had gone the length of the porch. Back went the ladder to the starting point and I gingerly leaned in to grab the extension cord to finish the job. I clambered down, and went to plug in the cord. Drum roll please….

…and half a strand right in the middle wasn’t working. As the last of my Christmas spirit was about to leave me, my dear friend Lynne came out of the house to hear me ranting about it all. “Perhaps that section is twinkling?” she suggested chirpily, more elf than human.

“Lynne,” I replied drily, “if it is, it’s the longest twinkle I’ve ever seen.”

You’re a MEAN one, Mr. Grinch…